Girls blindly follow big sunglasses fad

September 11, 2006 —

At the risk of sounding like Jerry Seinfeld, I would like to ask: what is the deal with big sunglasses? They are everywhere.

On cloudless days, you can step outside and be blinded not by the sun itself, but by the reflection of the sun off the thousands of half-foot lenses propped on the faces of all the girls around Saginaw.

For this issue of the Vanguard, I am proclaiming myself the A & E & F Editor in honor of Fashion Week. And while I may not be a fashionista to anyone but myself, I certainly won't be appearing on What Not to Wear anytime soon.

And I don't own any glasses that are bigger than a catcher's mitt.

I'll admit, a couple years ago I didn't mind the big sunglasses. Not many people wore them, so they were fresh and arguably unique.

Now, the trend that was started by grandmothers with bad eyes has spread like rashes at a deep-forest nudist colony. So much so that even children are wearing these Gigantaur glasses as they ride their bikes and talk on their Razr phones to friends who are probably also wearing oversized sunglasses.

I would like to think these tinted Halloween masks came about because somebody thought it would be funny to wear them in public, or because of a bet that somebody lost.

However, I know that I have seen celebrities wandering around in paparazzi photos wearing them. So maybe Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Richie, and various other high-class role models out of Hollywood are to blame for this fad.

Everyone looks up to celebrities and sadly wants to be like them.

I know the first time I saw Johnny Knoxville on the TV, I ran out and bought me some aviator glasses. I ended up looking more like a jackass than the star of Jackass, but that's beside the point.

The point is, you look ridiculous. There, I've said it. I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but it had to be done sooner or later. And if you're out looking for a date, remember - typically a guy isn't searching for the girl in the welder's mask.

Girls would look much more attractive these days if you could actually see their faces. And Paris Hilton would look much more attractive if she would just disappear.

So don't be like Paris Hilton. And while you're at it, don't be like that guy who wore the first ultra-hip track jacket. Boy did he open a brightly colored can of worms.

Much like the track jacket, big sunglasses are suffering from overexposure. There should be a limit on these things - like promotions at a sporting event. The first 1,000 overly anxious customers get big sunglasses; everyone else gets a Dmitri Young bobble head from the Detroit Tigers' overstock.

If stores simply stopped selling these trendy items before the whole population got their hands on them, then maybe walking outside wouldn't be such an eyesore.

Of course, if I had had my big sunglasses on at the time, my eyes would be perfectly fine.