Permitting guns on college campuses a foolish idea

November 2, 2009 —

Guns don’t kill people. People kill people…with guns. Congress has been debating a law that would legalize the possession of firearms on college campuses for individuals with concealed weapons permits. The hope is that should another Virginia Tech atrocity occur, there would be students there packin’ heat to neutralize whatever computer nerd had gone off the deep end. Texas passed a similar law in May of this year.

I was once riding in a car with my grandma in Jackson and the weather smacked of the fulfillment of the apocalypse. Ferocious wind ripped branches from trees and blew sideways raindrops the size of baseballs; water rushed over the hood of the car as we drove up a newborn waterfall. Right at that moment, the voice of the weatherman over the radio warned aspiring picnickers that there was a 60% chance of rain.

After this, I decided that anything a weatherman in Michigan said I would interpret as the opposite of reality. We can apply this Michigan-weatherman principle to other things … such Texas. I think the other 49 states should adopt a law that says something like this: any idea deemed sensible by the people of Texas shall be the considered by all other states to be the opposite of sensible. Were this principle to be adopted, we would not be insulting our own intelligence by discussing the possibility of allowing guns to be carried on college campuses.

Last week the Vanguard received an email from an angry corporate goon who didn’t like the way I had portrayed his company. I will be less surprised if a representative from the NRA sends a letter proclaiming how little respect I have for the rights and liberties of Americans for writing this, but I assure my readers that the only interest I have while writing my column — apart from the $30 — is to provide thoughtful and informative dialogue that will help people to protect their own lives and the lives of the people around them. On this particular issue, I can see no better way to do this than to explain the most probable impacts of legislation allowing guns to be carried on campus.

In Louisiana (similar to Texas, but smaller) some years ago now, a trick-or-treater was gunned down by a homeowner who felt threatened by the masked goon on his property. This tragedy should ring as a testament to the idiocy of the rationale for this legislation, which goes something like this: the Virginia Tech massacre was horrible; the students were unarmed and powerless to defend themselves; our Second Amendment right to bear arms is there so Americans can protect themselves; if students were allowed to carry guns on campus, Columbine, Virginia Tech, etc. would have been prevented by a brave, armed citizen.

Here is why this idea frightens me. I have watched dudes play video games. Too often to be accepted in reality, a terrified secretary pops up and doesn’t say “don’t shoot” fast enough to prevent their brutal and tragic assassination. I don’t want to be that secretary.

When one applies for a concealed weapons permit, they have to take a firearms safety course. While this training provides ample understanding of how to switch the safety on and off, how to load and unload a weapon, how to not shoot yourself or anybody else on accident, and how to handle ammunition, it shouldn’t be mistaken for counter-terrorist training. It is instruction on how NOT to shoot people, not how to shoot people.

I think of an SVSU where students could carry guns. I frequently see loaded holsters and must anxiously walk by that person. If somebody starts shooting, pretty soon there will be others shooting back: bullets from both directions. When the police arrive on the scene, they only see a bunch of students in a standoff. Who do they shoot? I quit writing for the Vanguard because I don’t want my antics to anger some lunatic with a gun.

People get dumped by their girlfriends. They get fired. Their friends die in Iraq. They get made fun of for being fat or redheaded. They get drunk. They play too many bloody video games. Their parents didn’t love them. I don’t want to live in a world where all those people have guns on their hips. If some crackjob goes on a killing spree, I would like those with extensive training to handle it without any complications.

I would be OK with walking through metal detectors, though. Those won’t fire wayward shots or get depressed.