Speaker shares eating disorder recovery story

Writer, singer, speaker overcomes battle with anorexia, bulimia

April 25, 2005 —

On April 5, in the Rhea Miller Recital Hall, Jenny Schaefer introduced an auditorium full of people to a villain who is controlling the lives of more than 230 SVSU students and millions of other people nation wide: "Ed."

Ed, she explained, is what she calls her eating disorder. Ed began controlling her at the age of four, and continued for twenty years. While she seemed on the outside to be a perfect person who was always successful and happy, inside she was constantly tortured and confused.

At the beginning of her presentation, Schaefer picked up a small, pink dancing leotard with a ruffled waist. She held it up to the audience and explained that while dancing in her recital at the mere age of four, she was not thinking about getting all of her steps correctly or keeping with the beat. Instead, she was wondering if she appeared fat in her leotard.

"At that time, I decided that I couldn't eat any more candy," she said.

She presented a Barbie Doll, and admitted that her goal was to be as skinny as Barbie. She said she had recently discovered that if Barbie were a real person, her proportions would be so unrealistic that she would be unable to walk.

Schaefer went on to tell the story of her battle with anorexia, explaining that it was not just about physical appearance. She was a perfectionist in high school who maintained a 4.0 grade point average, and was a member of the National Honor Society, Student Council, and the volleyball team.

"I wanted to be perfect," she said. "I couldn't always get a 100% on a test. I could not always make the point in the volleyball game, but I could control my food and weight. It was the one thing I could always control."

Looking back, however, she has realized that the whole time Ed was the one who was really in control.

Even though she appeared happy to her family and closest friends, she was actually tormented inside. All she could think about was her weight, but she never wanted anyone else to know how she felt. So, she constantly acted as if everything was alright.

"It was torture keeping a perfect image on the outside. Everyone always said 'I wish I was you,' but on the inside I really wanted to be them," she said, as she reached for yet another prop.

Then she showed the audience her tiny black prom dress that she wore in high school. The waist appeared to be no more than eight inches wide. She then asked the audience what they thought might be her reason for picking this particular dress.

While most, she said, might think that it was because it was pretty or trendy, it was only because of one thing: the number on the tag.

"I was proud to wear it because of this tiny tag" she said. "That's all I cared about. All I wanted was the dress with the smallest number on the tag. That meant I was perfect."

Her anorexia continued to get worse when she went to college at Texas A&M University. She had heard stories about the "freshman fifteen" and feared that she too would gain weight upon attending college. She also became a work-aholic who never went out with her friends, and used her disorder as a form of stress relief. She began to eat even less than she had in high school, and began to binge due to her tremendous hunger. Soon, she developed bulimia, a disease in which the person binges, then purges to get rid of the calories.

Her entire life, she said, she had dreams of becoming a singer, or going to medical school, but she eventually become too sick and weak to do either because of her eating disorder.

She finally realized that she had a problem, but decided to try and fix it on her own.

"I tried crazy things," she said. She described one time when she bought roll after roll of duct tape and used it to seal off the doorway to her kitchen so that she would not be able to binge eat. But she was unable to stay away from the food and eventually cut down the tape.

"I was not in control anymore," she said. "I ate out of trash cans if I was desperate. I was killing myself, so I decided to get help."

Her boyfriend helped her find a therapist. Her first impression of him, however, was one of confusion. She told the audience that at their first session he asked her to sit down, then put an empty chair in front of her. He told her that Ed was sitting there and she had to confront him. Even though she thought it was an odd thing to do, she did as the doctor had told her.

All she could think to say was, "I am going to get rid of you. I don't need you anymore, leave me alone."

To Schaefer's surprise, she instantly felt relief.

"It was the first time I ever felt separated from my disorder," she told the audience. "It felt so good."

This, however, was only the beginning of a very long road for her. Not only did she need the help of the therapist, but she also met with a psychiatrist, doctor, and dietician regularly throughout her recovery.

Although the road to recovery was a long and difficult one, Schaefer is tremendously happy that she has finally abandoned her disorder.

"It took a long time, but life is 100% different. I don't focus on food anymore. It's all about having real dreams. I'm able to sing again," she said, with a bright smile.

To close the program, Schaefer sang a song that she wrote entitled "Life Without Ed" and left the audience with no doubt that she could indeed sing again.

She has also become a very successful writer, publishing journals that she wrote during her recovery and writing guest columns for many magazines including Cosmopolitan and Women's World. She speaks to people about eating disorders all over the country.

Schaefer has become a role model for people suffering from eating disorders, and will continue to spread her message that there is a better life without "Ed."